Random Rhapsodic Romance
by failedmarshmallow
Summary: 2 romantic oneshots. I'm in love a TessJak fic and Mary sue meets the rapist, the clash of two cliches.
1. Mary sue meets the rapist

Pain woke him. Being thrown on the concrete had pushed his ribs halfway to his spine. 

"Are you OK?" A flutish female voice.

Jak looked up. A filth-coated face was staring at him from a barred window in the wall. A better look at the girl's face disappointed him. She was square-featured and almost manly.

"Can you talk?" she asked.

He shook his head dismally.

"Oh, OK," she said, not very bothered. "My name is Kylana and this is my friend, Kalya." A slender figure came into view. Jak could barely breathe. The girl was absolutely beautiful. Ivory blonde hair was plastered to her delicate face. Chocolate brown eyes glowed like soft candles. Her body stretched abot 5 foot 9, elegant and healthy. Kalya inspected Jak's hot profile with delight at the same time. Jak finished his full-body check up by staring at the plump, wavelike curves of Kalya's. She was a fine, sexy specimen indeed.

"Let's be best friends from now on," said Kylana breaking the 10 minute silence.

2 years later all 3 of them were still the best of friends. They got to have great sleepovers every night swapping secrets and embarrassing stories. One day they were playing chinese whispers when Kalya whispered to Jak," Be ready to leave this place tonight." When he looked at her she just winked. A guard came to take them to their dark eco tests thet night. he tugged Kalya and Kylana away first. Without warning they transformed into Dark Kalya and Dark Kylana.

Dark Kalya gave a swift treble cannon-kick to the guard's crotch and he exploded like a heated aerosol can sending pureed body parts smearing across the floor. More guards ran in and the 2 demon girls dealt with them. Kalya batted them with a severed arm while Kylana kicked and dented all the flesh she could find. In no time the floor was a marbled mess of blood and bone. Yet another 1000 guards jogged robotically through the walls. The fortress lurched suddenly as though water was rocking it.

All the guards slid helplessly toward a gnashing, metre-thick wall in the octagonal room. Jak gave a wince with the cracking of several skulls. The deformed guards were then slammed into the opposite wall as the fortress lurched almost vertically for the second time. Jak braced his stomach for another gravity-defying twist. It never came. Instead there were sloshing footsteps. Kalya and Kylana were wading through the porridge of entrails toward him. "How did you do that," he asked astoundedly, wiping intestinal lining from his face.

"I'm a geopath," said Kalya with a grin. "I can move the world with my mind." She almost laughed at Jak's expression. "C'mon let's get outta here," she said pulling him to his feet. The 3 friends ran ot of the fortress and dodged their meeting with Kor as Kylana was superstitious about meeting anyone whose name started with a "K". They pinched a zoomer off some stressed civilian named Mike and speeded to the underground, hair steaming majestically in the breeze. Torn looked lethargically up from his files to see 3 people slide into his office. The first was a minging girl. The second was a gorgeous, curvy girl. The third was a ruggedly handsome boy who Torn might have liked if he had been gay.

"Uncle Torn!" shouted Kylana, glomping him.

"Who are your lovely friends, Kylana?" Torn asked gently. "Do they need somewhere to stay?"

Jak and Kalya looked up, eyes stained with hope.

"Well the underground is always open."

"Thank you uncle," squealed Kylana, squirting Torn with saliva. "C'mon guys, let's go," she said to the others and they skipped down the corridor, tripping several times. They all split up for a nice, steamy shower. Kalya combed her damp hair that smelt of roses and lemonbalm and she slipped into a painfully tight and itchy black dress. Jak met them in the ladies toilets and he just had to stare at Kalya's mesmerisngly beautiful appearance as she dabbed eye-brightener on to her soft eyes. They both held hands going down to the dining room, blushing like their faces had been dipped in cranberry juice.

"Kalya, What's wrong?" Jak asked. This was 2 hours later when she was mining her sticky toffee pudding with a spoon.

"Sticky toffee pudding was my dad's favourite dessert," she said muffledly.

"Is your dad..."

"He's dead," muttered Kalya.

"I'm so sorry. How did he die?"

She tilted her head, looking at him as tears pooled in her eyes. "He was going for a walk with me," she began in a limp tone. "Suddenly his hat caught fire. I stuffed his head into the nearest bucket of water." She paused, shuddering. "His head got stuck and he panicked so much he ran off a cliff. He fell into a fisherman's boat that was passing underneath and that fishy smell smothered him." Tears flowed like silver dew down Kalya's face. Jak had never felt so much pain. He timidly hugged Kalya. She hugged him back with the force of an inflatuated, sobbing fangirl, fitting into his arms like a key to a padlock.

"K-Kalya," Jakmurmured a while later.

"Hmmm?"

"I was wondering if-" Jak stopped when her green,snotty fingers pressed on his lips.

"I'd love tosleepwith you," she whispered.


	2. I'm in Love

The first time I knew I liked Jak it was awkward! My lovable Daxter, the cutie, fiery little weasel made his choice in life to get drunk at that point in time. I was on my own in a dirty bar with the most good-looking guy I'd ever seen. My brain was squirming. I mean he was like, acting so cool, giving me these meltingly sexy smiles. My eyeballs were like, tied to him like he was the most flawless person in the world. I've stared at him so often now I swear I know every contour of his ass so well I could sculpt it from memory. And like, the other night I had this dream, such a cool dream, where he adored me the way I adored him. Maybe it's telling me something.

"Tessy-poo" Daxter cooed.

"Shnookums scrunchkins!" I squealed, inviting the soft, big-eyed body to curl up in my arms.

"Aw, my whisker puss. What's that in your pawsie?" I asked.

"Read it and see!"

The letter Daxxie held was this:

To the person reading,

You are invited to the coolest party ever organised!

Dress appropriately.

Haven forest, Saturday 2pm

"A little get-together for all us world-savers" Daxter added, seeing me finish reading.

"Aw Daxxie! What type of party is it?"

"Em, open that package to find out."

"Ok." "Oh my gosh, it's a ... fluorescent pink bikini!"

Daxter smiled ecstatically. "Only for my Tessy"

"Oh a pool party! I can't wait."

Daxter's such a devilish little darling. Inviting me to a pool party! One problem though. Jak will be there. All wet and wearing a very small amount of clothing. My breathing reaches the speed of a gyroburster bullet when I think of it. I mean, I practically get an endorphin high when he glances at me so seeing him like that! My eyes would just...my head would just... I cannot see him there, that's all. Oh, I wish my love for him wasn't like, nuclear explosive.

I went to the party of course. The first person to see me was...

"Hi Jak." My voice was high pitched enough to shatter glass.

"Glad you could make it Tess."

His voice was like an unbearable caress. I could feel the temperature around us rise by a few degrees just hearing it. I greeted Ashelin and Keira (ruefully) then Torn and the other FL members.

Daxter, the best pet I ever had, catapulted into my waist, his warm fur tickled like crazy. I glomped him to my chest and the skinny bonebox relaxied in the flab, while I murmured "Daxxie baby," lovingly into his ear. I sat next to Jak around the food. Jak only seemed to want to eat but I know what he was thinking in the back of his mind.

After thirty minutes I had sweated enough to reduce to surrounding area to bog and probably reeked like a steamed sock.

"Drink, Tess?" Keira asked.

Hell yeah, I thought.

The flooding of my mouth was a momentary distraction. No sooner, my tongue was attacked by some vicious, gobbling inferno. I grabbed my throat, hoping to dodge a hurricane of coughing. I then became calmly aware that I was bathed in the gaze of the group.

"Tess are you OK?" Keira again.

"I'm fine," I assured her with watery eyes.

"Strong, isn't it?" I said holding up the belligerent alcohol.

"Yeah, fierce," commented Torn, knocking back a glassful.

The air between me and Jak was charged now about one thousand volts. There was lots of alcohol at the party, knowing Daxter! Jak was drinking so I thought, "Why shouldn't a girl enjoy herself?" and took part.

After a time I wasn't feeling in control of.. myself. But then Wow! The crystal chandelier of all things bright and drunken dropped on my cranium. Precursors the world was beautifully crazy. It was great being out of it at a pool party I decided. The urge to whiz was becoming intense though, a public bladder burst would ensue if a peeing drill didn't happen soon. I got to grips with that urge and ambled off behind a rock, which must have been a metalhead in disguise the way it kept moving away from me.

Meanwhile Jak went to change into swimming shorts at the other end of the valley.

"Don't worry Jak, I'll guard your food and your women while you're gone," Daxter shouted proudly.

It had been ten minutes since I had left the picnic and I was getting kinda confused being lost in the forest when suddenly what did I see? Not just the hottest guy in the world but the king of everything and wondrous core of the universe, Jak! I never had been so dying to confess my love till now!

Jak turned his terrifyingly handsome face toward me. "Tess!" he said mildly freaked at seeing me. I clasped my eyes passionately to his then ran, tripped and banged into his arms in an extremely drunken yet romantic way. Jak looked at me with this like, fearful adoration (I think. It might have been just fear.) So I leaned in further, into that silky heat of his body. He was admiring my chest I think, cause he was looking there with these glossy eyes. Now I would talk though I felt like giggling hysterically.

"Jak."

"Yes?"

"... I'm in love."

"W-with who?"

"With.. someone," and I lapsed into feathery giggles.

I remembered something then. I looked back at him with this barbecuing stare and said the first thing that came to mind.

"Hit Keira for me."

"What?"

"You're a smart cookie Jak. A smart, beautiful cookie."

"Tess, do you know what you're saying?"

"Do you wanna play hide and seek? Those swimming shorts look good on you."

"Uh thanks-"

"You are burning."

"What, where!"

"Hot."

He gaped.

"Wanna take advantage of me?" I enquired.

"Tess stop! You're scaring me."

"Hug me now!"

"That's it, I'm going."

"No, not yet!"

I grabbed him and... OK I was drunk so I can't be held responsible for these actions. I emm, gave him a big slobbery one. By Precursors, it was heaven! Then he... kissed me back, really into it! We kind of needed fresh oxygen so we parted. Then a voice boomed into our ears.

"What are you stopping for?"

"Daxter. Oh shit! Here comes death," I thought.

"There's an audience waiting!"

There was everyone behind him, watching us. Keira and all. You couldn't sum up the anger that darkened most people's faces.

"Don't worry they all paid the fee."

"The fee!"

"Yeah. To see you to kiss the ass off eachother. I'm rolling in the dough!"

"..."


	3. Mary sue meets the rapist Part 2

**MARY SUE MEETS THE RAPIST! **

**PART TWO**

Kalya has found the perfect lover in Jak but can it last?

The story on this page is a parody that contains implied rape.

Disclaimer: I own nobody.

* * *

"It's a brand new day," shouted Kylana cheerily for she enjoyed shouting the obvious.

Sheets of hammered gold sunlight skimmed through the gaps in the curtains. Jak and Kalya were snuggled together, cocooned in heat on a bunk under Kylana. Jak yawned widely and swayed off to have a shower. Kalya slid under the bed covers with a weary moan.

"Jak?" she called out sleepily. Her gluey eyelid was prised open. There was no sign of her friend within the sun-soaked surroundings. "He's washing," Kylana's voice boomed from above. Kalya sighed, brushed her velveteen hair from her face and slipped into her clothes.

**Half an hour later**

They were destined to meet Krew. Kalya was aiding Kylana drive the zoomer, even so Kylana had already caused three spectacular crashes and brought Jak's stomach to an early death.

"Ugh, this place smells like sweaty men who wash in beer." These were Kalya's first, disgust-twisted words on entering the hip hog. Jak and Kylana laughed good-naturedly. Krew swerved his meaty blubber over to greet his guests.

"Ah, I see Torn has delivered my new mistress to me." He looked wantonly at Kalya. She promptly lost conscientiousness at the exposure to those drool lubricated lips that had seen too many calories.

"Kalya?" Kylana's masculine, blemished and uglier than shit features came into view. At least they were familiar.

"Thank goodness you are not dead." Her flour sack cheeks lifted into a smile that only made her eaten eyes harder to detect.

"We completed the mission," said Jak coming over and filling the room from floor to ceiling with his badassedness. He helped Kalya to her delicate, callous-free feet.

"What was the mission?" she asked out of sweet, sincere altruism of course.

"We had to give Krew a massage," the oh-so-full-of-attitude response went.

"I was so worried about you Kalya, you're my best friend," Kylana said. Her bottom lip trembled with emotion.

"Where did you two meet?" Jak suddenly asked.

"Oh, on an internet chat room," Kalya replied casually.

They walked through the boring streets of Haven for a while, waiting for _something_ to happen.

"What's that?" Kylana suddenly screamed in black horror. Her hand was stretched to the sky and her deadly B.O. was making everyone gag.

They looked up and, to their amazement (!) saw a giant hand close around the sun and with a cry of "Oh hot!" drag it behind view. The hand returned, placing a moon in the gap left by the sun. The sky changed to gossamer black and star flecked, corresponding with the change of sky furniture.

"Wow what was that?" was the thought fuelling the words on everyone's tongue.

"I think," Kalya began, tapping her lip with her finger, "That the writer is trying to fill a plot hole and so made it night because that's the only time anything can happen."

"Oh. Okay then." Linking arms they walked, carefree, back to the underground.

"Want to play chasing Jak?" Kalya asked. Her eyes shone richly with excitement.

"No thanks I'm just going to bed. You two have fun."

**An hour later**

Thump, thump. Giggle, giggle. Thump, thump. The footsteps of Kalya and Kylana hammered on the wooden floor like the random bashing of some giant drum. Everyone's ears within a mile radius were vibrating.

"Kylana!" Kalya squealed breathlessly. She had just chased Kylana into a room. t was blank of activity and besides the entrance contained only locked sturdy doors. Kalya had seen Kylana's shadow in the frosty light of the entrance to the room.

"Kylana?" Kalya called out again. She edged unsurely back to the door she came in. A beautiful aroma undulated through her nostrils. On the floor, primly quartered on a paper plate was a sandwich. A toasted sandwich.

An oozing, tangy avalanche of cheese poked out from the padded duvet of bread. Flavoursome, fluffy stuffing was piled underneath which would provide the most delicate resistance for her piercing teeth. Swollen sun dried tomatoes like wrinkled hearts were tucked into in the layers of tasty insulation, ready to leak their sour brilliance when pressed.

She crept toward this treasure deposited so carelessly on the floor. Her mind swirled with only the most murderous and destructive thoughts regarding the sandwich.

Kalya heard cautious footsteps behind her, someone with a heavy frame weighing down the dry, dead wood. She wheeled and her heart rate accelerated considerably.

The man before her was masked and clothed in black, a light-devouring shadow standing out on a powdery white background. Her throat felt glazed.

Vocal cords were strung, lungs inflated, she was ready to scream. Yet staring was all she could do. The man scratched and dug at his dandruff-inhabited head causing some flakes to spring free.

He held a steel knife at his side rubbing a sweaty thumb up and down the flat side of the blade. The surface reflected glacial light into her pupils.

She ran past him. A back arm sprung out like a trap, catching her in the stomach. Her kneecaps dented themselves on the ground and a charge of pain flushed through her legs. Oh, poor woeful Kalya. If only she had read page 3450.45 of her Mary Sue manual which clearly states that all powers fail when faced with a rapist.

The man gripped her arms, pulling the skin into sparse ridges. Squeezing her wrists together he wrapped tight sticky tape around them, ripping up several hairs from the surface of her skin. He moved to her ankles, binding them in the plastic that gave off an abrasive chemical smell.

Screams tore the air from some room.

"Wow, they must be having fun," thought Jak before switching off his lamp.

**Next day**

"Tornn! Where's my Coco pops? Jak whined.

"Coco pops are too sweet," Torn explained. "They can give you a sugar high which induces bad fiction in three out of five cases."

Kalya walked surreptitiously into the kitchen.

"Morning Kalya," greeted Jak. She looked at him for a second as though eyeing up a dinner she hated eating. Her face was haggard and lime-white with inflamed red skin ringing each eye. She took a dry slice of bread and left without a word.

**That night**

Jak's snores petrified every creature and even woodlice fled rather than face the mercy of his hellish breath. For this reason he was alone and fast asleep because it was night time (again). A slithery blob of purple phlegm glided up and down his throat with each exhale.

"Jak! Jak!" Kalya screamed desperately, awaking from a nightmare. She bounded out of bed and down the draughty corridor to Jak's room.

"What? What?" he murmured. He was, understandably, a trace dismayed at being interrupted from his favourite dream. In which, Daxter was so ugly that Jak had to murder him.

The mattress gave a beastly groan with Kalya pressing her dainty, six-stone body on it. "Em, I have to talk to you about something," she whispered, lucid fear in her voice.

Immediately Jak sat up and his joints cracked in lethargic protest.

"No, it's not that," Kalya stressed with a speck of impatience. She then proceeded to tell him the most heart-wrenching, tear-jerking, world-stopping, original and interesting story Jak's ears had ever been graced with.

"Wow!" he exclaimed, orb-eyed at the end. "That is the best fan fiction about yourself I have ever heard."

"It's not fan fiction you idiot, it happened to me!" Kalya shrieked, teeth bared.

Those tearing words roared in Jak's heart. The agonising angst multiplied within his skull. He enveloped Kalya in a crushing embrace, sobbing and hosing her down with enough saltwater to fill a sea.

**Two minutes later**

Kylana burst through the door, panting and glucose-energetic even though it was three in the morning. "Kal-ya," she shouted in a singsong voice. "Wanna play chas-," she stopped mid sentence feeling the TIGHT TENSION and UNADULTERATED ANGST perfuming the room.

Kalya made no reply only nuzzled herself deeper into the folds of Jak's tunic. Jak turned to Kylana and told her the ordeal.

Her mouth dangled open at the end. She edged over to the slumped figure of Kalya and placed a tentative hand on her arm. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. With her other hand she scratched vigorously at her scalp sending shreds of skin dancing over her shoulder.

Kalya's eyes narrowed. "That scratch rings a bell," she thought. The claw of realization clasped her brain in an instant.

The curtains of false understanding retracted along with Kylana's arm when she realised that something was amiss. Kalya now stared furiously at her through raging eyes.

Jak watched this change of expressions with confusion. He searched Kylana's pustule-dotted, podgy, hairy lips for a clue. "Wait a minute! Kylana didn't just look like a man. She was a man!

And she/he was backing away now with two sets of vexed eyes burning into her/his face. She/he stopped her/his retreat in the middle of the room. Her/his arms rose mystically into the air and she/he pressed her/his palms together slowly above her/his head.

"Habija, habija, moo baa oink! She/he roared in a thunderous voice. Smoky threads of dust coiled upward from all corners of the room. They accumulated to form the shimmering shape of a pistol which Kylana plucked from the air with a smile.

It all happened then in a flash. The snapping shot, Kalya's scream of pain, her back hitting the floor. Jak dropped to his knees beside her. Her hand was covering a wound in her chest. Blackish blood sank into her top releasing a smell that was sterile and metallic.

Her dark cocoa eyes met Jak's. Moonlight anointed her hair with a pearly sheen. "Get him Jak," she whispered feebly. Warm fluid bubbled beneath her fingers with each painful breath. Behind Jak came a click.

Kylana was trying to fire another bullet. The gun fell apart in her/his hand, floating back to the floor. Expletives hatched forth from her/his mouth and out the door she/he went.

"You won't get far, you pervert!" yelled Jak hurtling after him/her.

**Ten minutes later**

Kylana's back was facing the sea. Jak was now strolling over to the cornered rapist. Branches of purple energy flashed in his limbs.

"Hey!" Kylana gasped trying to squeeze a word through her/his rapid panting. "Don't be too em hasty, I mean, you might regret it." She/he rubbed at the glittering veil of sweat of her forehead. Jak continued to come closer and her/his voice became frantic.

"No, seriously now-" she/he noticed Jak's deadly pacing cease. His eyes were paralysed in astonishment. Kylana turned to the focus.

A huge, wet bulk of cartilage and solid grey muscle was diving through the air aided by gravity. The jaws opened, exposing a gummy red cavern filled wall to wall with skin-stripping teeth. Kylana was encapsulated by the prison of the shark's jaws in a microsecond.

Rubbery flesh slapped the water as the shark re-entered having collected its takeaway.

**A few seconds later**

"Thank goodness," Jak thought. "He's/she's dead and I didn't have to kill him/her since that would tarnish my hero status." He gave a comfortable sigh and belch.

"Am I forgetting something?" he wondered. A little prick of thought seemed to be trying to get through to him. "Kalya!" he remembered and with that sprinted back to the underground.

The cold air in the room seared the moisture on his face. The beautiful, flawless and now lifeless Kalya lay on the floor like a throat-chilling statue.

"No!" Jak cried as the grief struck his heart. He lifted the shell-like, stone cold body into his arms. Congealed blood formed a beacon over her fatal wound.

"No," he whispered into the fragile silence. Jak rocked back and forth trying to restore heat to the former person wrapped in his arms. Stinging tears meandered down his cheeks.

**Ten years later**

He finally stopped mourning and looked down. In place of a corpse there was an assortment of bones, to which, maggot-munched ribbons of skin clung. The whole thing gave off a fierce stench of rot.

"Eww!" said Jak, jumping back. The bones clattered to the floor, splashing up a cloud of billowing dust. "Uh, yuck," he complained, brushing fetid residue from his clothes.

"Maybe I'll go find Daxter," he thought. Upbeat, he went off to seek his friend who had been preserved in alcohol for the duration of this story. His once true love continued to decompose. And the sun bloomed in the sky over Haven city and everybody was happy.

**Moral of story**: Never trust anyone you meet on the internet as they might be perverted fifty year old men.

_EXTENDED ENDING_

The water's surface was straining. A slick robotic head rose from the centre of the disturbance. Metal hinges rumbled, lifted by a glistening hand. The human shape wriggled out of the lustrous entrance, under the intestine of luminous pipes and wires. Tainted, grey-green water lapped at their legs as they scaled the curdled seaweed wall of the port.

The person's long ears sprang over the wall, a split second before their body. Once safely perched, they removed a ridiculously elaborate mask of a fifty year old man. A full body suit was peeled off with difficultly since it clung as though magnetised.

Blonde hair was wrung and the rivulets of foul water made a shivering puddle in the pavement. There was a business-like air about how this cleansing was carried out.

Keira was leaning against a varnished bench in New Haven when the sunrays started to comb the land. There was a patter of leather footsteps approaching her and she turned.

On seeing Keira, Tess' cheeks rose in a smile and she sped up.

Keira leapt to her feet, racked with expectation. "Did you do it?"

Tess' smile widened and she nodded.

"YES! Praise be the Precursors, one less sue for us to deal with!"

Tess silently shared Keira's buoyant display of joy.

"Hey, you haven't said anything?" Keira commented.

"Oh, I'm happy too! Just, do you want to move on with our next assignment?" Tess tilted her head slightly with the question and Keira noticed a small piece of seaweed adorning the strands of sandy blonde hair.

"Okay, if you're eager?"

Tess nodded briskly with azure eyes trained on Keira.

"Well, I heard about this bad fic. You won't believe what it is about. In it, we are supposed to be lesbians. LESBIANS! I know it is sooooo weird!" Keira shook her head in exasperation.

Her high volume, richly detailed speech had already begun to attract the attention of some passers-by but she was too absorbed to notice this or the fact that Tess' eyes had gone….elsewhere.

Keira brought her fist crashing down into her open palm. Scheming and determination clogged her eyes and set mouth. "Okay, Tess, let's do this." Her voice left little room for protest.

Tess nodded enthusiastically and her hair bobbed up and down like a spring.

Keira turned and walked down the street, feet beating the pavement. Tess followed, enjoying the sight of Keira's purple-clad hips swaying succulently. There was a loving look prevalent on Tess' face, one that should only have been reserved for Daxter.

Keira was blissfully oblivious to the true reason Tess helped her bring down badfics. Hopefully she would never find out.

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Hope you liked, review if possible.


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